We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
