When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
