I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
