I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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