Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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