i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
