I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
