Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Everything about him screamed your future.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
