This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
