Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
