I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
