Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize
