Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
