i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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