After last night, I could never be a politician.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
