So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
