I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
