i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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