wrigley field is MILF paradise
we're chasing vodka with high fives
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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