he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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