You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My life is pants optional.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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