I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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