I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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