i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
