She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
