I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
