i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Randomize
