I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
