I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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