I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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