her facebook's as public as her vagina
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
