At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
