This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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