I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
