its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
