he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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