and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
