the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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