I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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