i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
