My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
