I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
