the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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