Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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