I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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