help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
