I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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