My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
