im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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