No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
you never un-have a 4some
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
